The 18-foot granite Titanic Memorial in Washington, D.C., shows a robed man rising from the waves, his arms extended like a cross.
Once a year, at the precise time on April 15, 1912, when the liner was declared doomed, the Men's Titanic Society gathers at this statue, which is hidden behind Fort McNair after being moved to make way for the Kennedy Center. Members wear tuxedos, to honor the passenger who donned evening clothes in order to "die like a gentleman."
A toast in the rite includes: "Chivalry, gallantry, bravery and grace. … To the young and old, the rich and the poor, the ignorant and the learned, all who gave their lives nobly to save women and children. To those brave men."
No one debates the values that inspired that sacrifice.
"Men seem to instinctively treat masculinity as the call to die so that others may live -- the highest form of sacrifice," noted Nancy Pearcey, in "The Toxic War on Masculinity," her latest work of Christian apologetics. "That principle seems to be built into men's created nature."
However, Pearcey noted that sociologist Michael Kimmel has offered clues as to why many activists now condemn "traditional masculinity."
Kimmel asked West Point cadets to describe a "good man," and heard "honor," "duty," "integrity," "sacrifice," "do the right thing," "be a protector" and similar responses. When he asked what it means to "man up" as "a real man," cadets said, "tough," "never show weakness," "win at all costs," "suck it up," "get rich" and "get laid."
Pearcey calls the "good man" credo the "software of God's creation," while the "real man" stereotype reveals the "virus of sin." The Houston Christian University professor believes this conflict is wrecking many marriages and families.
In her book, Pearcey quotes the work of sociologists who have discovered that "active churchgoing evangelical men have the LOWEST rates of divorce and domestic violence" of any major group. However, the "nominal" men who "identify as Christians," because of their cultural roots, "but rarely, if ever, attend church … have the HIGHEST rates of divorce and domestic violence -- even higher than secular men."
Often, these "nominal Christian men" internalize the "real man script," while defending their behavior by "pinning Christian language" on abusive beliefs, she said, reached by telephone. Thus, Pearcey urges church leaders to:
* Stress the reality of emotional and physical abuse. "Although committed, churchgoing Protestant family men are the least violent of any group in America, that rate is not zero." It's especially important for clergy to address marriage issues from the pulpit, teaching that all abuse -- verbal and physical -- is sin.
* Build ministries to men that go deeper than prayer breakfasts and the occasional barbecue. She asked if most church-going men know each other well enough to genuinely "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn"? Is there any sense of accountability there?
This includes fighting a rise tide of loneliness. Pearcey quoted Judith Shulevitz of The New Republic noting: "Emotional isolation is ranked as high a risk for mortality as smoking."
* Develop networks of trusted counseling services, recovery groups and accountability partners. Women may need temporary safe houses and help interacting with police or medical professionals. Pastoral staff will need professional advice about how to handle risky, even dangerous, conflicts.
"The most common mistake pastors make is to assume that domestic violence is a marriage problem and to offer marital counseling -- bringing both spouses into the office together," wrote Pearcey. "The wife may be afraid to reveal any serious mistreatment."
When it comes to real issues in the lives of real men, far too many religious leaders are looking the other way, she said.
Meanwhile, stores are selling books such as "I Hate Men," "The End of Men," "Are Men Necessary?", "Boys Adrift," "Why Boys Fail" and "Why Men Hate Going to Church."
"On Mother's Day, we hand out roses and praise mothers," said Pearcey. "On Father's Day, we tend to scold men and tell them to do better. … We need to talk about the positive things men are doing, while also trying harder to find ways to reach out to the nominal men and speak the truth about what it means to be a good man."