“When it is a matter of the moral norms prohibiting intrinsic evil, there are no privileges or exceptions. … Before the demands of morality we are all absolutely equal,” wrote the pope, in his 1993 encyclical Veritatis Splendor (“The Splendor of Truth”).

“In the end, only a morality which acknowledges certain norms as valid always and for everyone, with no exception, can guarantee the ethical foundation of social coexistence, both on the national and international levels.”

It would be stating the matter mildly to say that young Catholic adults in America disagree with John Paul II on this issue, according to a new survey commissioned by the Knights of Columbus.

An overwhelming 82 percent of Catholic Millennials — the generation between 18-29 years of age — agreed with this statement: “Morals are relative; there is no definite right and wrong for everybody.” In comparison, 64 percent of other Millennials affirmed that statement, when questioned by researchers with the Marist College Institute for Public Opinion.

Older “American Catholics” were also more willing to embrace moral relativism than were other Americans, at the rate of 63 percent compared with 56 percent. However, a slim majority of “Practicing Catholics” in the survey — 54 percent — were willing to affirm the statement, “Morals are fixed and based on unchanging standards.”

“Practicing Catholics” were defined as “those who attend religious services at least once a month,” explained Barbara L. Carvalho, director of the Marist Poll. This group included “Catholics who attend services more than once a week, once a week, or once or twice a month excluding weddings and funerals,” she said.

As stark as those numbers are, it’s important to understand that these broad Catholic categories include different kinds of believers who have different beliefs and lifestyles, said Andrew Walter, vice president for media research and development for the Knights of Columbus. For church leaders, the “Practicing Catholics” category will offer more insights into what is happening in pews.

“You have to ask, ‘Who is truly connected to their faith? Who is doing something with it?’ When you talk about these ‘Practicing Catholics,’ you are not talking about the Christmas and Easter crowd,” he said. “These people have an ongoing link to a Catholic parish and they are doing something with it.”

While the poll contains evidence that what Pope Benedict XVI has called a “dictatorship of relativism” may be growing stronger, the numbers also show that young Catholic adults share a yearning for some kind of moral order — even if they reject the existence of moral absolutes. It’s possible to “drill down” into the research, said Walter, and see that when young Catholics are forced to wrestle with individual issues “they are willing to make judgment calls and say that some things are right and some things are wrong.”

For example, 91 percent of Catholic Millennials affirmed that adultery is morally wrong, 66 percent said abortion is immoral and 63 percent rejected assisted suicide. When asked to identify virtues that are “not valued enough in American society,” 82 percent selected “commitment to marriage,” making that the top choice.

But there was a flip side to this moral coin. Only 20 percent of these young Catholic adults agreed with their church’s teachings that premarital sex is morally wrong and, thus, sinful. Only 35 percent affirmed doctrines that forbid sexual relationships between homosexuals.

While Catholic Millennials are interested in spiritual growth, only 43 percent said that American society doesn’t place enough value on “religious observance,” putting that choice in last place. In another answer sure to raise clergy eyebrows, 61 percent affirmed that it’s “okay for someone of your religion to also practice other religions” at the same time.

“They want to say they are relativists, but it’s also clear that they are not relativists on all issues,” stressed Walter. “They have a strong spiritual sense that they say is important in their lives. What they don’t have is a place for institutional religion in their lives. … The problem is that you have some people who have a church and others who really have no church at all.”

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“We reaffirm the traditional teaching of the Church on marriage, marital fidelity and sexual chastity as the standard of Christian sexual morality,” it said. “Candidates for ordination are expected to conform to this standard.”

However, 21 bishops disagreed, publicly stating that gay sexual relationships were “no less a sign to the world of God’s love” as traditional marriages. These bishops — including the Rt. Rev. Edmund Browning, who was chosen as America’s presiding bishop six years later — warned that since “we are answerable before almighty God … we cannot accept these recommendations or implement them in our dioceses.”

It was the start of an ecclesiastical war that has dominated the 70-million-member Anglican Communion for decades.

Then again, this conflict may have started in the 1960s, when Bishop James Pike was censured for his “offensive” and “irresponsible” views questioning the Virgin Birth, the divinity of Jesus, the Trinity and other ancient doctrines. And in 1977 a high-profile leader — Bishop Paul Moore of New York — created a firestorm when he ordained a priest who identified herself as a lesbian.

It’s hard to understand this story without some grasp of this complicated timeline. However, news reports regularly chop off several decades, thus making it appear that these doctrinal clashes began with the 2003 consecration of V. Gene Robinson of New Hampshire as the first openly gay, non-celibate Episcopal bishop.

“This whole conflict is actually about the Bible and how you interpret it,” said the Rev. George Conger, a correspondent for The Church of England Newspaper. “The polite warfare has been going on for 30 or 40 years. The open warfare truly began in 1997, when the archbishops from Africa and the rest of the Global South met in Jerusalem and decided to let their voices be heard.”

In addition to events in the late 1970s, other crucial dates on this timeline include:

* 1989 — Bishop John Spong of the Diocese of Newark ordains the first homosexual priest who is openly living in a same-sex relationship.

* 1994 — Spong drafts his Koinonia Statement affirming the ordination of gays and lesbians living in faithful, monogamous relationships — with the support of 90 bishops. He also publishes his 12 theses for a liberal Reformation, rejecting belief in the transcendent, personal God of the Bible.

* 1996 — An ecclesiastical court dismisses heresy charges against Bishop Walter Righter, after another controversial ordination. The court says Episcopalians have “no clear doctrine” clearly forbidding the ordination of persons who are sexually active outside of marriage.

* 1998 — In a stunning defeat for the left, bishops at the global Lambeth Conference in Canterbury declare that sex outside of marriage, including gay sex, is “incompatible with scripture” and call for a ban on same-sex-union rites and the ordination of non-celibate homosexuals.

* 2000 — Archbishops from Rwanda and Southeast Asia consecrate two American conservatives as missionary bishops, escalating global efforts to form an alternative structure for Anglican traditionalists in North America.

Since the consecration of Robinson, the Episcopal Church has made several attempts to appease the large, overwhelmingly conservative Anglican churches of Africa, Asia and other regions overseas. Meanwhile, Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has attempted to calm nerves, while starting the process of creating a doctrinal covenant that he hopes will provide unity on issues of faith and practice.

However, early this week the U.S. House of Bishops voted — by a 99-45 margin — to allow dioceses to proceed with the selection of gays and lesbians for “any ordained ministry.” This effectively overturned a resolution passed at the 2006 General Convention that urged dioceses to refrain from consecrating bishops whose “manner of life” would offend other churches in the Anglican Communion.

“The key question is whether this is a national story or a global story,” said the Rev. Kendall Harmon, canon theologian for the conservative Diocese of South Carolina. “The way most people tell this story, America initiates things and then the rest of the world responds. Then America responds and you repeat this process over and over.

“You see, America is at the center of everything. It’s the American church and its concerns that count the most. Meanwhile, Anglicans around the world are trying to tell a different story.”

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That was in 1981.

“Every time we turned around we were arguing about sex, and homosexuality in particular,” said Heidinger, who retired last week. “Frankly, I was already weary of it and that was a long, long time ago. We wanted to get on to more positive things, like missions and church growth. … Yet here we are years later, still arguing about sex.”

Two events defined that era. Colorado Bishop Melvin Wheatley, Jr., defied his colleagues in 1980 by rejecting a church policy stating that homosexual acts were “incompatible with Christian teaching.” Then, in 1982, he appointed an openly gay pastor in Denver. When challenged, Wheatley said: “Homosexuality is a mysterious gift of God’s grace. I clearly do not believe homosexuality is a sin.”

The most important word in that statement was “sin,” explained Heidinger. The fundamental issue at stake was whether United Methodists could find unity on basic doctrines — like whether sex outside of marriage was “sin.” This, of course, raised another issue: What does “marriage” mean?

Liberals kept quoting a statement added to the church’s Book of Discipline in the 1970s affirming “theological pluralism” as an essential element of United Methodist life. Then conservatives managed to have “theological pluralism” removed in 1988, and language affirming the “primacy of scripture” added.

“That started a lively debate about the role of doctrine,” said Heidinger. “Until then, it seemed like you could believe anything you wanted to believe and still be a Methodist. … Want to say the resurrection of Jesus is a myth? That was fine, because of ‘theological pluralism.’ “

Meanwhile, United Methodists were learning other complex and painful truths about their church, long been known as the quintessential Middle American flock.

In the mid-19th century, 34 percent of all believers in the country were Methodists. Then in 1968, the Methodists joined with the Evangelical United Brethren to create the United Methodist Church — with 11 million members. But by 2006, membership had fallen to 7.9 million, with staff cutbacks, gray hair and shuttered churches becoming the norm in many regions.

After decades of “thrashing around in denial mode, trying to find somebody to blame,” United Methodist leaders finally admitted “that our house was on fire,” said Bishop William Willimon of northern Alabama.

It was also painful to admit that United Methodists were worshipping in churches that disagreed on key matters of doctrine and church law, said Willimon, co-author of a mid-1980s study, “The Seven Churches of Methodism.” The bottom line: It was hard to find the ties that could bind the declining flocks in the “Yankee Church,” “Industrial Northeast Church,” “Western Church” and “Midwest Church” with those in the “Church South” and the “Southwest Church.”

Talking about the future is hard, when discussions of the recent past are painful.

“It’s a tribute to Jim Heidinger and other people like him that, when they first came on the scene, they were just the old-fashioned guys who wanted to hang on to church doctrines and traditions,” said Willimon. “But somewhere in the last few decades, the evangelicals turned into the people who were talking about wild ideas about how to change where the church was going. They’re the ones finding out what the growing churches across the nation are doing.”

Nevertheless, wars about doctrine and sexuality are far from over.

Progressives wield great clout in the seminaries, boards and agencies, stressed Heidinger. Yet in recent years, more than a third of the church’s clergy have studied at the certified, but not officially United Methodist, Asbury Theological Seminary. The other two-thirds are spread among 12 official seminaries. An alternative, evangelical Mission Society for United Methodists sends roughly the same number of fulltime missionaries overseas as the official General Board of Global Ministries.

But, for conservatives, the most important trends are global. Thus, 25 percent of the delegates at the 2008 United Methodist General Conference came from overseas. That may hit 40 percent in 2012, said Heidinger.

“When you ask United Methodists overseas — like in Africa — about the big issues, they don’t mind telling you what they believe,” he said. “That’s where the future is. That’s where the growth is, right there.”

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Consider this question: Is sex outside of marriage a sin?

Say “yes” and millions of believers who are sitting in pews will say “amen.” But that same affirmation of centuries of doctrine will offend just as many believers and nonbelievers, giving them an easy excuse to avoid congregations they believe are old fashioned and intolerant.

“We have to recognize that our historic positions on sexual issues are becoming incredibly distasteful to more people in this culture and especially to our media and popular culture,” said Ed Stetzer, director of the Southern Baptist Convention’s LifeWay Research team.

“The whole ‘Hate the sin, love the sinner’ thing — people are not getting that anymore. People do not believe that we mean that.”

Right now, the gay-marriage issue is making headlines. But for millions of traditional believers in Christianity, Judaism, Islam and many other faiths, this issue is linked to a question rooted in religious doctrine, not modern politics. In a spring LifeWay survey, researchers asked: “Do you believe homosexual behavior is a sin?”

The results showed a culture torn in half, with 48 percent of American adults saying that homosexual acts are sinful and 45 percent disagreeing. Considering the margin for error, this is a virtual tie.

The numbers were radically different in different pews, with only 39 percent of Roman Catholics believing that homosexual acts are sinful, as opposed to 61 percent of Protestants and 79 percent of those who identified as evangelical, “born again” or fundamentalist Christians.

A similar pattern emerged from a hot-button question in the latest results reported from the U.S. Religious Landscape Survey conducted by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life. Researchers in this massive effort asked participants which of the following statements “comes closer to your own views — even if neither is exactly right. 1 — Homosexuality is a way of life that should be accepted by society, OR 2 — Homosexuality is a way of life that should be discouraged by society.”

The question was not stated in strictly political or religious terms. However, with that powerful, more official word “discouraged” in the question, 50 percent of the adults surveyed said that “homosexuality” in general, as opposed to homosexual behavior, should be accepted by society.

Once again, there were sharp differences in various religious groups, with 79 percent of American Jews, 58 percent of Catholics and 56 percent of mainline Protestants calling for acceptance of homosexuality. Meanwhile, only 39 percent of the members of historically black churches, 27 percent of Muslims and 26 percent of the evangelical Protestants affirmed the public acceptance of homosexuality.

These numbers are evidence of great change in the religious and moral views of many Americans, yet they also point toward familiar tensions between traditionalists and progressives. The Pew Forum survey, for example, again demonstrated a reality seen in recent elections. Americans who frequently attend worship services and say that religion is very important in their lives continue to take more conservative stands on hot moral issues in public life.

What about people outside the pews? That is where another set of statistics will prove especially distressing to clergy who sincerely want to defend what Stetzer called the ancient “one man, one woman, one lifetime” doctrine of marriage.

In the LifeWay survey, 32 percent of American adults said that their decision to visit or join a congregation would be “negatively affected” if it taught that homosexual behavior is sin. That number rose to 49 percent among the “unchurched,” people who rarely or never attend worship.

The issue of homosexuality does not, of course, stand alone, said Stetzer. It’s getting harder for religious leaders to maintain consistent teachings about other acts and conditions that traditional forms of religion have, for centuries, considered sin. This affects preaching on premarital sex, divorce, cohabitation and adultery.

“Ultimately, the modern church has failed to proclaim and explain a biblical ethic of sexuality,” he said. “We also need to admit that the church has failed to live out the ethic that it’s claiming to be advocating. If we are going to say that we stand for the sanctity of marriage, then we — in our churches and in our homes — are going to have to live out the sanctity of marriage.”

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After all, he was one of the top sex researchers in a nation known for its freewheeling, laissez faire attitudes about matters of the heart. However, Giami silenced her when she used a dangerous word.

“What do you call ‘infidelity’? I don’t know what ‘infidelity’ is,” he said, in what the former Wall Street Journal correspondent later described as a “rant.”

“I don’t share this view of things, so I would not use this word,” he added, and then delivered the coup de grace. “It implies religious values.”

Thank goodness Druckerman didn’t say “adultery.” For most researchers, this term has become a judgmental curse that cannot be used without implying the existence of the words “Thou shalt not commit.” This issue came up over and over as she traveled the world doing interviews for her book “Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee.”

“If I asked someone, ‘Have you ever committed adultery?’, it was like God entered the room at that moment,” said Druckerman, reached at her home in Paris. “That really is the religious word, ‘adultery.’ I had to start saying ‘infidelity’ or use a more careful combination of words.”

While she didn’t set out to write a book about sex and religion, Druckerman found that in large parts of the world — from Bible Belt cities to Orthodox Jewish enclaves, from Islamic nations to post-Soviet Russia — it’s hard to talk about infidelity without talking about sin, guilt, confession, healing and a flock of other religious topics.

However, she also reached a conclusion that many clergy will find disturbing. When push comes to shove, cheaters are going to do what they’re going to do — whether God is watching or not.

What does faith have to do with it? Not much. That’s the bad news. The good news is that there is evidence that adultery is nowhere near as common as most religious people think it is.

Take, for example, the numbers that many consider “gospel” on this issue — the claims by sex researcher Alfred Kinsey in the mid-20th Century that half of American men and a quarter of women have cheated on their spouses. While some writers keep using these statistics, Druckerman said they are “extremely problematic.”

Recent studies offer a vivid contrast. In the early 1990s, she noted, 21 percent of American men and 10 percent of women said they had cheated while married. In 2004, 21 percent of men and 12 percent of women said they had strayed at least once.

Meanwhile, 3.8 percent of married French men and 2 percent of married French women say they’ve had an affair during the past year — in one of the world’s most secular nations. And in highly religious America? The parallel figures are 3.9 percent of the married men and 3.1 percent of the women.

While Americans remain obsessed with adultery, this now seems to be rooted in this culture’s commitment to an “ubermonogamy” built on the all-powerful doctrines of modern romance, argued Druckerman. Lacking shared religious convictions — while living in the era of no-fault divorce — millions of Americans have decided that having a happy, fulfilling, faithful marriage is an entitlement, a kind of sacrament in and of itself.

If a marriage crashes, both religious and non-religious Americans usually place their faith in another substitute for the old structures of faith and family. They turn to professional counselors linked to what Druckerman calls the “marriage industrial complex,” where, for a price, repentance and restoration can take place in public or in private. Ask Bill Clinton about that.

All of this represents the reality of America’s “sexual culture,” which, while it may have Puritanism in its DNA, has also been shaped by the modern sexual revolution.

“Even when I talked to religious people about adultery, they weren’t really worried about God, about God striking them down for their sins,” concluded Druckerman. “Americans just don’t think that way now. Even the religious people were more worried about what their families, or perhaps the people in their religious communities, would think of them. …

“When it comes to matters of infidelity, Christian Americans act more like Americans than they do like Christians.”

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The services are based on “A Rite for the Celebration of Commitment to a Life Together” which is used in the Diocese of Massachusetts.

“A priest may bless a same-sex civil marriage or preside at and bless a same-sex union. … The same liturgical rite is used,” say the guidelines. “In the presence of God and the couple’s Christian community, the rite includes a declaration of the couple’s intent to join their lives together and a celebration of their commitment to a life together.”

This is precisely the kind of rite that has infuriated so many conservatives in the worldwide Anglican Communion.

But the sound that Anglican insiders heard the other day was nervous coughing in England. U.S. Presiding Bishop Katherine Jefferts Schori has decided not to let gays, lesbians and bisexuals in the mother church sit safely on the sidelines while traditionalists take shots at her flock.

What about those same-sex union rites?

“Those services are happening in various places, including in the Church of England, where my understanding is that there are far more of them happening than there are in the Episcopal Church,” she recently told the BBC.

What about New Hampshire Bishop V. Gene Robinson, a gay man who is living in a same-sex relationship? According to Jefferts Schori, Robinson is under attack for being honest.

Bishop Robison, she said, is “certainly not alone in being a gay bishop, he’s certainly not alone in being a gay partnered bishop. He is alone in being the only gay partnered bishop who’s open about that status. … There’s certainly a double standard.”

What we have here is an attempt to pull British bishops out and into open combat with conservatives in Africa, South America, Asia and other parts of the 70-million-member Anglican Communion. The presiding bishop has played the England card in a high-stakes game of ecclesiastical poker inside the Church of England.

The tensions were already rising, as Canterbury prepares for its once-a-decade global Lambeth Conference of bishops, this coming July 20-Aug. 3. Conservatives are planning their own Global Anglican Future Conference, June 15-22 in Jerusalem.

Thus, it was symbolic that Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams recently presided at a closed-door Eucharist in London for the Clergy Consultation, a support network for gay Anglican clergy, seminarians, monks and nuns. The Times of London offered this detail: “Secrecy was so tight that a list of names attending was sent to Lambeth Palace with orders that it be shredded as soon as Dr. Williams had read it.”

Meanwhile, a few liberal activists have focused on the leader of the one U.S. diocese that has — so far — voted to cut its ties to the national church.

Citing a disputed interview from more than a decade ago, backed with hostile testimonies, blogger Lisa Fox of Jefferson City, Mo., claims that San Joaquin Bishop John-David Schofield has repeatedly “outed” himself as an ex-homosexual.

Yes, it’s time to publish names, Fox said.

“When a cleric uses his closet as a sniper’s nest, he deserves to have a light directed upon his deceit and duplicity,” wrote Fox, at her “My Manner of Life” weblog. “For the life of me, I still do not know how those gay-lesbian bishops — especially the ones on the ‘progressive’ side of the spectrum — can look themselves in the mirror each day.”

Schofield, meanwhile, insists that he has been misquoted. The 69-year-old bishop does have an unusual background, since he has both taken a monastic vow of celibacy and been a leader in the charismatic renewal movement, with its emphasis on spiritual gifts such as healing and prophecy. He also supports ministries for those who struggle with sexual-orientation issues.

“I always thought I would be married,” the bishop told Virtueonline.org. “In my early days of the priesthood, I was an Oblate of Mount Calvary that required annual vows be renewed. By 1966, I was convinced that married life was for me. On November 17, 1966, however, in a life-changing encounter with the Lord, I responded to his request to live a single life for Him.”

Schofield also answered the question that others will soon face.

“I am not a homosexual,” he said. “I have never been in the homosexual lifestyle.”

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This branch of the Anglican Communion stretches from Algeria to Iran, a part of the world in which there are few Anglicans, but millions of Muslims, Jews, Catholics and Orthodox Christians. Nevertheless, the archbishop of this tiny Anglican flock dared to bring a blunt message to the powerful Episcopal Church this past week — please be candid as well as careful.

American bishops may believe that God wants them to modernize ancient doctrines about sex, marriage, salvation and the authority of scripture, said Archbishop Mouneer Anis of Egypt. But it’s getting harder for other Anglicans to explain news about same-sex unions and gay bishops to their ecumenical and interfaith neighbors at home.

“You may believe you have discovered a very different truth from that of the majority in the Anglican Communion,” said Anis, speaking to the men and women of the U.S. House of Bishops gathered in New Orleans. “It is not just about sexuality, but about your views of Christ, the Gospel and the authority of the Bible.

“Please forgive me when I relay that some say you are a different church, others even think that you are a different religion.”

This meeting of the U.S. bishops was even more tense than usual because the world’s Anglican primates, in a Feb. 19 communiqu

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But no one fears it more than youth ministers, who hear the private questions that young people fear to ask their elders. Youth pastors work in the no man’s land between the home and the church.

This is the question: “Well, didn’t you do any of this stuff when you were a kid?” The young person may be asking about sex, drinking, drugs, cheating or, perhaps, lying to parents about any of the above.

If youth ministers stop and think about it, they will realize that they usually say something like the following while trying to answer these questions, said the Rev. David “Duffy” Robbins, a United Methodist who teaches youth ministry at Eastern University near Philadelphia.

“If I answer that it?s none of your business and the answer is between me and God, there’s a pretty good chance you?ll hear that as a ‘yes,’ ” said Robbins, writing in Good News magazine. “If I answer ‘yes’ to your question, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll take that as permission to make the same mistakes that I’ve made. If, on the other hand, I say ‘no,’ there?s a good possibility that you might reason that then I couldn’t possibly understand what you’re facing or what you’re going through right now.

“So, what that question amounts to is a lose-lose proposition for both of us, and I’m not willing to put us in that position, so I’m not going to answer that question.”

There was a time when youth pastors — not to mention senior ministers — would have felt more confident answering.

There was a time when adults thought it was their duty to tell young people that some things were right and some things were wrong — period. The assumption was that adults had a sacred duty to serve as moral examples and that was that. Candor was rarely part of the equation.

Then the pendulum swung in the other direction, said Robbins, and many religion leaders joined what is often called the “authenticity movement.” The goal was to open up and level with young people in an attempt to impress them with displays of openness and vulnerability. By sharing the details of his or her own sins and temptations, the youth pastor hoped to gain credibility — inspiring young people not to make the same errors.

But there’s a problem with letting it all hang out, said Robbins.

“It so easy to get carried away and, before you know it, your whole body language and the relish with which people tell these stories can send the wrong signal. You may end up leaving a kid thinking, ‘Well, I wonder if I could do something really bad like that. That sounds kind of cool.’ “

The problem, he said, is that it’s hard not to cross the line between honest, transparent disclosure and imprudent, naked exhibitionism. Nevertheless, it’s true that young people need to hear that it’s normal to struggle with sin and temptation and that there are adults who want to help them, because they have faced many of the same issues — in the past and in the present.

“It is completely appropriate, for example, for the students in my youth group to know that I struggle with lust,” noted Robbins. “On the other hand, if I continue by saying, ‘In fact, Sally, your mom is a fox!’ — that crosses a line.”

This kind of self-exposure has to have a purpose, said Robbins. It’s a good thing for adults to acknowledge that they struggle with sin, but it can be destructive if that’s the end of the story. Young people need to know that God “loves us the way that we are, but he doesn’t intend to leave us as we are,” he said.

“It’s one thing for me to tell my youth group that I struggled with this or that sin and, with God’s help, have managed to put it behind me,” explained Robbins.

“It’s something else to just say that I struggled and struggled and struggled and that there just doesn’t seem to be a way to be forgiven by God and go on to lead a better life. … That isn’t much of a Gospel, now is it?”

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The church’s General Convention has never authorized an official rite to bless homosexual relationships. Bishops have, however, been allowed to approve blessings at the local level or simply look the other way.

The national church didn’t ask and local bishops didn’t have to tell.

The big question is whether this tactic will work after the latest meeting of the world’s Anglican primates, which ended early this week in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. In a blunt communiqu

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She knows how to let her gaze wander from man to man, while a voice in her head whispers, “That one’s handsome,” “That one’s with someone,” “That one’s too old,” “That one’s got a wedding ring,” “That one looks too interested in the man he’s speaking to.”

Eden heard that voice a lot during her years as a rock-music writer, back when she knew the music scene, knew the hot musicians and knew the score — in every sense of that word. Then she converted to Christianity and her beliefs about love and marriage turned upside down.

The irony, said Eden, is that many clergy seem to think it would be a good thing if singles kept playing the spot-the-hot-date game in church.

“I am not an expert in church singles groups because I am not a connoisseur of them,” said Eden, author of a controversial book entitled “The Thrill of the Chaste.” The title betrays her work as an award-winning tabloid headline writer, as does the book’s pushy subtitle, “Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On.”

While doing online research into the Christian singles scene, Eden found a New York group that was promoting an “Extreme Charity Pub Crawl.” Then there was the ski-retreat invitation that told young believers to prepare for fellowship in the hot tub.

This isn’t what singles need from churches at Valentine’s Day or any other day, said Eden, 38, who currently works as an editor at the New York Daily News.

“My church life got so much better the minute I stopped trying to look for someone to date at Mass,” she said. “I mean, it isn’t a good thing if people learn to look each other over at church the same way they look each other over in a bar.”

This is not the kind of woman whose work usually shows up on shelves in Christian bookstores.

Dawn Eden Goldstein was reading the Bible by the time she was in second grade, witchcraft books by fifth grade, had her bat mitzvah at 13 and wandered into agnosticism shortly thereafter. Later, her encyclopedic knowledge of ’60s pop landed her a steady stream of jobs writing album liner notes and magazine profiles.

Then, in 1996, a rocker introduced her to the books of the Christian apologist and journalist G.K. Chesterton. It took time for Eden’s grasp of the New Testament to trump her knowledge of the Kama Sutra, but one thing led to another and she eventually became a modest, chaste, but hip Roman Catholic.

Changing her lifestyle was hard, she writes in her book, because she “had dutifully followed the Cosmo rule, which is also the Sex and the City rule and really the Universal Single-Person Rule in our secular age: ‘Sex should push the relationship.’ This rule can also be expressed as, ‘We’ll talk about it in bed.’ “

The logic of this doctrine convinces many women that men can be forced into lasting commitments “through the persuasive force of your physical affection. It forces you to follow a set of Darwinian social rules — dressing and acting a certain way to outperform other women competing for mates.” In the end, said Eden, she realized that her strutting self-confidence wasn’t real and that “you can’t transform a pair of $14.99 Fayva slingbacks into a pair of $600 Manolo stilettos with a mere coat of paint.”

If church leaders truly want to reach out to women and men who are looking for an alternative to that lifestyle, said Eden, they must realize that the last thing single adults need is a singles ministry that turns “your church basement into a sort of ‘Animal House’ with crosses.”

What congregations should do is rally single adults around worship, prayer, books, the arts and service to others, she said. Then friendships and relationships can develop out of activities that strengthen the faith of those that choose to participate.

“You really don’t have to dumb things down for us,” said Eden. “There are plenty of ways for single adults to get less church if that is what they really want. Why not talk to some of your young adults and ask them what they really want. They may want more church — more faith — not less.”

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